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Little did I realize my mouth was writing cheques my body could not cash. As a Skype-sex virgin I was nervous, and as any nervous woman does, I researched the shit out of it. If time differences are large, maybe one of you is waking up all tousle-headed and horny while the other one is on a lunch break, having just wrestled down a smelly metro car past a thousand boisterous French teenagers on their school excursion. Dirty text messages are the digital equivalent of foreplay.

The Internet is awash with bullshit Skype-sex advice articles accompanied by photographs of underwear models posing with laptops. The morning sun will not bathe you in a golden light. You’ll most likely be skypexing at night in your dimly lit room, a grainy, furtive figure bathed in the cold, lonely blue light of a laptop screen. Apart from problems with low visibility, who, outside of a Desperate Housewives episode, has sex surrounded by candles? It’s great if you can get the other person to send them to you.

So, guys, start talking her into the mood the way you’d try and seduce her in person with all that sincere stuff (cough) about how beautiful and sexy she is.

Ladies, show ‘em your tits (it’s that simple) and then your fanny and then your bum.

Well before the meeting, go to create a free account.

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